So this will probably be one of the most challenging blogs I will ever post because I am sharing something about myself that I never thought that I would. Very few people know that this is something that I’ve dealt with and no one knows how bad I struggled with it. I’ve contemplated doing this for a while but I wasn’t really sure if it was really something I wanted to do or how I should go about doing it but here I am…I’ve decided to share a little bit of my testimony. When I was younger (late elementary early middle school) I was so eager to praise God and be involved in church and then as I got older people would say things to and about me such as, I was just trying to get attention and that I was fake and things like that (and I was legit trying to live saved and do right) and so I got discouraged and I pretty much just told God that I was going step back because at that time what people said about me mattered a lot like I even hated when people would tell me I’m different because I always saw it as a bad thing. I knew that it was not the best choice but it made sense to me at the time. And so fast forward to around 7th grade I started to experience the normal pre-teen/teenage stuff…drama with friends and being overly emotional about EVERYTHING lol. And I also found myself trying to become more involved in church again but it was hard because I had gotten comfortable with just going to church but not really being involved. And so as I found myself doing more I had people say you just want to be noticed and that I just wanted attention and questioned my involvement but I didn’t stop that time. However I was dealing with slight depression already at the time but again I just assumed it was the normal pre-teen/teenage years syndrome but then it got worse because it seemed like I was dealing with more drama and my self-esteem was basically non-existent. I tried to remain strong and stay saved but I started to lose faith. I got to the place where I could hear the devils voice so clear telling me that I was worthless and that nobody cares about me and I was so low that I believed it. I even got to the place where I was crying by myself with a half full pill bottle in my hand, contemplating suicide and trying to figure out how exactly I allowed myself to get to that place (not once but several times). I thought that I literally was going to lose my mind…but God. And I got angry with God because I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. It was like when I had good days it was all good but during my bad days it was horrible. And I wanted talk to somebody about what I was feeling but I knew that people were dealing with problems that were so much worse then mine and so I kept silent. I would try to put a smile on my face and when people asked me if I was okay or how I was doing I would say I was fine but would be hurting so bad. I would try to praise God over my situation instead of praising my way through it because I thought I could handle it on my own. I was spiritually dying and I had honestly thought that God left me. And long story short it was not until this year where I could truly say I have joy, I have peace, I feel like a weight has been lifted and I know that it was nobody but God. And through it all God still has a plan for me…he never left me or gave up on me. Now don’t get me wrong…I still have my off days and bad days but God continues to keep me day after day.
Confessions of a Church Girl: Surviving Depression