Hold your peace

Exodus 14:14 says “The Lord will fight for you and, there is no need to do anything .” 

It always seems like whenever I try to do right and live right people always try to push my buttons. I try to hold back my frustration and anger but I always end up letting people get to me and make me angry and I step out of character. And when I get angry that’s when everyone wants to throw salvation in my face. It almost as if I can’t get angry, frustrated, stressed, annoyed or any other emotion other than happy without me being a hypocrite. I take my salvation very serious and I try so hard to do right and let things go but it’s so hard especially when your family members are the ones that hurt you the most. Sometimes it feels like they want me to fall and mess up and be that person that I try so hard not to be and I’m tired. I struggled so hard with being consistent because I kept telling myself that I had to get it right…I had to be perfect but I can’t because I’m human. I’m tired of fighting, tired of crying, tired of allowing people to make me feel like I am any less saved because I’m human. So I’m just going to hold my peace and I’m going to keep striving to live right and do right because God has brought me way to far for me to just turn around now. It’s to much for me but God said that there is nothing to hard for him to do. 

Dear you, (a letter to everyone who has ever hurt me…)

Dear you, 

Before I start I want you to know that this is not a hate letter or a bashing session but rather a thank you note to friends and people that at one point I grew very close to (not like romantic or dating) people that meant something to me. I am not writing this about a specific person so if you feel some type of way while reading this…well that should tell you something. Anyway, I am writing this because at one point you meant a lot to me…a whole lot. You were somebody who made a big impact on my life in one way or another and although people have problems and sometimes life just happens…I always thought you would have my back and be there for me but, oh how quickly things can change. Did I ever tell about how bad I struggled with low self-esteem, depression and, anxiety for years so just imagine how much harder it is to lose someone that you thought cared about you when you already feel so alone in the world…yeah you can just think on that for a little bit. Some of you never treated me right but I was to blind to see it I mean some of you blatantly treated me like crap and only made me feel like I had value when I would do something that benefited you…well that’s a lie because there were a lot of times when you were nice just because you cared. Well you know what, thank you because I know my worth now. I don’t feel the desire to be accepted and I’ve learned to walk away and be okay with having to walk alone. Thank you because I realized that sometimes I can be too nice and give too many chances and I let stuff go that I shouldn’t have. This is not me trying to say I was perfect and did everything right because I know I didn’t but I learned how to treat people so if I could help it I wouldn’t hurt people. And while I’m mentioning it thank you for helping me see where I fall short  so that I can be the best version of myself. Thank you for the time spent, memories made and love shared because no matter what happened or will happen I would not be who I am if those experiences (the good, the bad and, the ugly ) never happened. So, no hard feelings, no love lost I just wish you all the best. ✌🏾😘💯👋🏾

-Kenya Neal 

Blessings in disguise 🎭

Have you ever been through something that had you completely questioning everything that you thought you knew about life. It’s like I know God has everything worked out for my good and that he doesn’t make mistakes but I don’t quite understand why I’m dealing with this, why am I facing this problem? We just want some kind of understanding. Well I’m going to bring it back to my personal life a little bit because not to long ago some stuff happened but it was like things that I thought I already dealt with, went through, and overcame. Old feelings and emotions started to resurface, I started losing people and at a point I thought I was starting to lose myself and I did not understand why.  And of course I said my 3 favorite words “I don’t care.” And have you ever noticed that when people say they don’t care it usually means that they care a whole lot.  However, I’m not the type of person who likes to bury her feelings when I just don’t energy to deal with them. It was funny because I started forcing my self to be okay with where I was in my life and I didn’t talk about it a whole lot because I don’t trust people (this is a topic for a whole different blog lol.) and I didn’t even really pray about it because I didn’t think God really want to hear from me if I’m being completely honest but, the crazy thing is when I stopped talking that’s when God started speaking. It first started when I heard this sermon by Sarah Jakes who I love to listen to and she was preaching about the uncomfortable advantage and how sometimes we have to be okay with being uncomfortable in order to go where God calls us to and get to where we need to be. And then the next day my church youth leader preached about how when we don’t follow Gods instructions our life doesn’t look like how God planned for it to look but once we start to follow his instructions then things will start to look more like God plans and instructions. And that Sunday I left church and I felt so light. I didn’t go to the alter or fall out or anything like that…I simply had an encounter with counter with God.  And it didn’t require a lot of extra stuff it was just me and God in the last pew of the church having a conversation and it was in that encounter that I felt God lift the weight of everything that had me bound for past few weeks. Every since that day I’ve just felt a desire to worship God and to grow closer to him. I know you are probably wondering what this has to do with the topic…well, I believe that God wanted to get me to the state that I was in to bring me back to where he wants me to be because I have not been praying like I should or reading my bible like should and I was pretty complacent in my spiritual life and I was okay with being where I was. However, I prayed earlier this year to grow in God and develop a stronger relationship with God and just walk in my purpose and be who he called me to be…I claimed that 2017 was going to be my year. I believe that God saw me drifting away and started eliminating distractions in my life in order to get my attention…it was a blessing in disguise. So, when life throws curve balls at you and you just feel like life is kicking your butt just wait because later on you will see that there was purpose behind your pain…don’t give up because God knows what he is doing. Stay Blessed 😘❤️

Confessions of a church girl: Running from the call

Okay so I’m sure everyone has heard of the story of Jonah but just in case you haven’t I’m going to give you the short and sweet version of the story. God told Jonah that he wanted him to go to Nineveh and preach to the people there but Jonah told God that he didn’t want to preach to them and that he wanted them to die in their sin because they were the enemies of the land of Israel. And so as an act of rebellion Jonah gets on a ship and that’s going to a completely different city. And of course God saw him and he sent a bad storm and the men on the ship were throwing things overboard and praying that the storm would stop and the whole time Jonah is sleep. And one of the members on the boat asked why are you sleeping…get up and call on God so that maybe he could stop this storm. And the men realized that it was one of them that was causing the storm and so they “cast lots” which is like drawing sticks or flipping coins and of course it landed on Jonah and so he told them the whole story and basically said that if you throw me overboard the storm will stop and they tried to find a way around it but they couldn’t and so they through him overboard. And when the storm calmed down Jonah got swallowed up in the belly of a whale for 3 days and 3 nights and in that time he prayed to God and he was spit out on dry land and God told him again to go to Nineveh and tell them to them to turn from their sins or they will be detroyed in 40 days and this time Jonah went and the people of Nineveh turned from their sins and sought the lord.

Jonah knew that he was called for a special purpose by God but he did not want to follow Gods plan for him. This happens even now where God calls us and asks us to do his will and we grow fearful or we don’t want to do what God asks for whatever reason and so we run. We run from the call, we run from God. The crazy thing is that God is everywhere so there is no place that you can run that he can find, he is all knowing so there is nothing that you can do that he won’t already know.  So why run?  If I’m being honest I do it too? And it’s funny because I was watching a sermon by Sarah jakes and she literally spoke to all my reasons behind trying to run from God. People would call me special and Say that God created me to be different and things like that and I hated it. I hated it because I was afraid. Afraid that people wouldn’t like me because of the call on my life, afraid that I wasn’t good enough, that I would not be handle it and I didn’t think I had anything to offer anyone. I thought that because of the mistake I made I was undeserving but the thing about God is he sees beyond your flaws and mistakes and he sees the call. He sees what you are destined be not what you used to be. Honestly, I grew perfectly content with being present but not involved but God required more, he deserved more. I may not be where I should but at least I stopped running. So let me ask you again: why run? He’s calling you, so why not answer? ❤

20 things I learned about life before entering into my 20’s

1.) not everything deserves a reaction-just because you feel a way about a situation does not mean you have to speak on it…sometimes your silence truly does speak volumes 

2.) it’s okay to speak your truth – sometimes we grow fearful when it comes to sharing what we’ve been through and struggled with and the things that God has allowed us to overcome. We must remember that our testimony holds so much power and you never know just how much your story could help someone else.

3.) mans rejection truly is Gods protection don’t be so afraid to lose people in your life because sometimes people just can’t go with you to the next level of your life no matter how close you were or how good of a friend they were if they are not meant to be in your life God won’t allow them to be there

4.) God does not make mistakes Sometimes in life things happen that we just don’t understand… how we go through things and we can’t help but ask “God Why me?” But answer this…Why not  you? God said he would never put more on us than we can bear and if he takes you to it he will take you through it point. Blank. Period. 

5.) you can’t run from the call on your life – I struggled so hard with accepting the fact that God created me to be different and to walk in that…in my mind being different and having to walk alone sometimes was not something that I was interested in and so I tried to do my own thing and force myself to fit in with people who I knew I didn’t but even then they all treated me differently because they saw that I was not like them and now I realized that I can’t  run from and so I’ve now made the decision to walk in my calling.

6.) it’s okay to be vulnerable-I rarely ever speak about my personal life because I struggle with this fear of being judged but few months ago I shared about my struggles with depression and got such encouraging words of love and support and it showed me that God has brought me through for a reason and someone might need my testimony one day.

7.) I’m more than enough because God told me I am and I don’t have try to change myself for anybody

8.) Prayer is key-spending time with just you and God is a great way to keep you at peace and get you through tough times 

9.) you will never be free until you learn to forgive the people who hurt you

10.) sometimes God has to break you in order to get you to where he wants you to be

11.) someone is watching you – there are people who are watching you and the way that you live your life so it is very important that you live an honest life and that you try to do right even if you mess up 

12.) when you fall down don’t stay down pick your self up, dust your self off and keep it moving you have a job to do

13.) it’s all temporary – what you going through won’t last forever so don’t quit just keep pushing 

14.) be careful what you allow into your spirit – a lot the things that we watch on tv and a lot the music that we listen to contain so much profanity and sexually explicit content that when we keep exposing ourselves to it  eventually it starts to set in our spirit and in our hearts 

15.) there is a difference between happiness and joy… any body can be happy and, anybody can fake happiness but true joy comes from the lord and the world can’t give it to you or take it away 

16.) Many are called but few are chosen

17.) You are never to young or to old to build a relationship…he’s calling us all to him 

18.) put your gifts and talents into action…let God use you or he will find someone more willing 

19.) just because you don’t cause problems doesn’t mean problems won’t find you…it’s okay to not be okay 

20.) last but not least don’t be waste so much time worrying and stressing that you forget to live 

Losing myself in the storm-Honesty Hour

Okay so it’s time for some honest truth… The past few weeks… Actually no the past few months have been a little crazy…actually a lot crazy lol. And in the process of me trying handle all of the crazy mess around me I feel like I have been losing myself. It’s like I’ve spent so much time acting like the things that have happened don’t bother me that I feel like it is driving me crazy. And I can’t escape it. I have caused STUFF to effect my attitude and my temperament. To effect my desire to really just focus on God and his plan and his timing in my life and not on all of these distractions because that is exactly what it all is…a bunch of distractions. But the thing is…it’s only affects me in my private life and by that I mean on the outside and like when I am around people I can keep it together but the minute I am alone by myself things change. The only thing that is really keeping me together right now is my family. And also the fact that I know that in Gods timing, if I don’t quite he will work it all out for me. But I really wish I knew what his plan was now but I’m just going to be patient. I’ve spent so much time letting people have some type of control over my feelings and thoughts and actions and then that stress is only worsened by work stress and school stress and I became so stressed that I missed the opportunity to grow from this and be better because of it. So to every situation, circumstance, person and distraction that I had to deal with…thank you. Thank you to the people who’ve hurt me, to the friends that have left me, to the days that have frustrated me, the days that I’ve wanted to quit, and the problems that I thought were to much to deal with. Because it’s true you never know you’re true strength until you have no other choice. I can’t wait to see where God takes me from here. But I can’t allow myself to regress spiritually and mentally. I can’t let all of the things that God has done in me so far be in vain. I can’t allow myself to continue to dwell in this place that’s not me. And this is not a cry for help, me seeking attention or a way for me to criticize or talk about anyone but I just needed to speak my peace because vulnerability is where your freedom comes from.

Confessions of a Church Girl: Surviving Depression

So this will probably be one of the most challenging blogs I will ever post because I am sharing something about myself that I never thought that I would. Very few people know that this is something that I’ve dealt with and no one knows  how bad I struggled with it. I’ve contemplated doing this for a while but I wasn’t really sure if it was really something I wanted to do or how I should go about doing it but here I am…I’ve decided to share a little bit of my testimony. When I was younger (late elementary early middle school) I was so eager to praise God and be involved in church and then as I got older people would say things to and about me such as, I was just trying to get attention and that I was fake and things like that (and I was legit trying to live saved and do right) and so I got discouraged and I pretty much just told God that I was going step back because at that time what people said about me mattered a lot like I even hated when people would tell me I’m different because I always saw it as a bad thing. I knew that it was not the best choice but it made sense to me at the time. And so fast forward to around 7th grade I started to experience the normal pre-teen/teenage stuff…drama with friends and being overly emotional about EVERYTHING lol. And I also found myself trying to become more involved in church again but it was hard because I had gotten comfortable with  just going to church but not really being involved. And so as I found myself doing more I had people say you just want to be noticed and that I  just wanted attention and questioned my involvement but I didn’t stop that time. However I was dealing with slight depression already at the time but again I just assumed it was the normal  pre-teen/teenage years syndrome but then it got worse because it seemed like I was dealing with more drama and my self-esteem was basically non-existent. I tried to remain strong and stay saved but I started to lose faith. I got to the place where I could hear the devils voice so clear telling me that I was worthless and that nobody cares about me and I was so low that I believed it. I even got to the place where I was crying by myself with a half full pill bottle in my hand, contemplating suicide and trying to figure out how exactly I allowed myself to get to that place (not once but several times). I thought that I literally was going to lose my mind…but God. And I got angry with God because I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. It was like when I had good days it was all good but during my bad days it was horrible. And I wanted talk to somebody about what I was feeling but I knew that people were dealing with problems that were so much worse then mine and so I kept silent. I would try to put a smile on my face and when people asked me if I was okay or how I was doing I would say I was fine but would be hurting so bad. I would try to praise God over my situation instead of praising my way through it because I thought I could handle it on my own. I was spiritually dying and I had honestly thought that God left me. And long story short it was not until this year where I could truly say I have joy, I have peace, I feel like a weight has been lifted and I know that it was nobody but God. And through it all God still has a plan for me…he never left me or gave up on me. Now don’t get me wrong…I still have my off days and bad days but God continues to keep me day after day.